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May 9, 2016
Man Doubles Down On “Missional Clubbing”
Livermore, CA – Local church member and drive-through technician Scott Dixon, 32, declared late Friday afternoon that he plans to launch a bold new initiative to “missionally” experience EDM clubbing and dating sites in order to better improve his chances of finding a totally hot Christian woman.
Up ‘till now, Scott had been content to find his helper suitable within the confines of his daily life by searching HR records where he works and attending every high school and college age group event his church held. He even started attending other churches like the Liberal Quakers and Seventh Day Adventist just to make sure his bases were covered. “They say godliness is very sexy, but all the girls I find at my church must not be very godly.” Scott explained.
Describing his exacerbation at the lack of God’s cooperation, he has decided to seek the hidden things of this world starting with local clubs and secret raves where he will practice “Missional Clubbing in case [his] future bride isn’t a believer yet”.
Listing the characteristics he was looking for. “She has to take pride in her temple by adorning herself with elaborate hairstyles and gold or pearls and expensive clothes” Scott said over a Pabst Blue Ribbon. “I mean, I can’t be expected to marry a godly woman if I don’t find her attractive, right?” He then added that she has to be at least five years younger than him because “girls my age are just too complicated.”
According to Scott, he has also “enhanced” his profile on the dating sites ‘Christian Swingers’ and ‘Bread Meets Wine’. But, Scott laments, “those women aren’t ready for a real commitment of cooking and cleaning for a godly man like me”.
inspired by BabylonBee.com