May 16, 2016

Pastor extends right hand of fellowship, followed by a left hook.

jgn_pugilist

San Luis Obispo – mild-mannered pastor and UFC fan, Jack Travis, sent mixed signals to his congregation last week when during the meet-n-greet portion of the service, Pastor Travis extended the right hand of fellowship quickly followed by a devastating left hook.

Martha Stalwart who witnessed the event was shocked by the exchange with first time visitor Duane Michals. “I’ve never seen anything like it” Martha explained. “He’s a very stable pastor, reliable and predictable, but this? This came out of left field”

Assistant pastor Jon Stamoz describes the scene as “completely unexpected, Pastor Jack usually follows the right hand of fellowship with an uppercut” others described it as his signature move.

“I guess I thought watching past sermons online would prepare me to take on the Acts 29 pastor” said Mr. Travis between ice packs. “Especially following a sermon on Matthew 5:39”

posted to Satire @ 2:24 pm

Pastor rebuffs prayer warrior, claims he’s just tired

chipotle-line
Adelanto, CA – Last Sunday Jose Manos was shocked when his offer to pray for his pastor was met with resistance. Claiming he was just tired, Pastor Wade thanked Jose and encouraged him to pray for those with real spiritual needs.

Pastor Wade McDonald, father of two young boys and ameture disk golfer was grateful for the concern but explained that spending 15 minutes looking for spiderman shoes that your 3 year old insists on wearing that day would make anyone look weary and defeated.

But Jose, a self proclaimed “Pray Warrior”, wasn’t buying it. “I’ve seen that look before, that’s the look of a man who’s losing hope and on the verge of questioning his faith” He then pointed out several people in line at the Chipotle where they had gathered to meet for lunch had similar far-off looks of doubt and indecision. “This whole community needs my help and if they won’t let me pray with them then I’ll pray for them. Jose then proceeded to set up an “Unspoken Prayer Request” update to the church’s unofficial Prayer Warriors Facebook Group and tagged everyone in the prayer chain. His third such request this week.

“Honestly I love Jose’s zeal for prayer but sometimes it can be a bit much. Just last week he sent an all points prayer request when he found out our music leader had to return some shoes that were the wrong size. I’m mean seriously, she had a receipt and a good return policy to back her up. I don’t think she needed spiritual support for it.” Pastor Wade explained.

When asked to respond to Pastor Wade’s comments, Jose was unreachable as he was praying for the customer in front of him who was having a hard time deciding which salsa to add to their Fajita Burrito.

Pastor Wade sent a followup email to let us know the music leader return was successful and she was able to get the shoes she wanted. Jose updated his Facebook post with “Your welcome” [sic]

posted to Satire @ 2:16 pm

May 12, 2016

Trump taps Doeg the Edomite as running mate

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Knoxville, TN – In what is being described as an obvious move by the presumptuous GOP nominee, Donald Trump has announced Doeg the Emorite will be his running mate. “When I asked who will stop my enemies and the conspirators who rigged the primary system against me, Doeg was the only one who stepped forward – saying that he would punch them in the face.”

Earlier in the day Trump threatened to sue when he learned that several prominent Republicans would not endorse him in the upcoming election. “Will Cruz give every one of you fields and vineyards, will he make you all commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds, that all of you have conspired against me?”

Doeg the Emorite said “I saw the son of Rafael Cruz coming to Houston, to George W. the son of HW. Bush, and he inquired of the party for him and gave him advice and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.”

Outraged, Trump demanded that the Bush family be arrested and sentenced to death for treason. But Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney would not support Trump and ignored his tirade. Only Doeg agreed and sent his Brown Shirts to Texas and to Florida.

Jeb Bush responded via email “and who among all our party is so conservative as Cruz, who is the party’s step son and captain over the Constitution, and honored among evangelicals?”

Cruz could not be reach in the forest of Hereth and calls to the city of Nob were not returned.

posted to Satire @ 4:02 pm

May 9, 2016

Man Doubles Down On “Missional Clubbing”

missional clubbing

missional clubbing


Livermore, CA – Local church member and drive-through technician Scott Dixon, 32, declared late Friday afternoon that he plans to launch a bold new initiative to “missionally” experience EDM clubbing and dating sites in order to better improve his chances of finding a totally hot Christian woman.

Up ‘till now, Scott had been content to find his helper suitable within the confines of his daily life by searching HR records where he works and attending every high school and college age group event his church held. He even started attending other churches like the Liberal Quakers and Seventh Day Adventist just to make sure his bases were covered. “They say godliness is very sexy, but all the girls I find at my church must not be very godly.” Scott explained.

Describing his exacerbation at the lack of God’s cooperation, he has decided to seek the hidden things of this world starting with local clubs and secret raves where he will practice “Missional Clubbing in case [his] future bride isn’t a believer yet”.

Listing the characteristics he was looking for. “She has to take pride in her temple by adorning herself with elaborate hairstyles and gold or pearls and expensive clothes” Scott said over a Pabst Blue Ribbon. “I mean, I can’t be expected to marry a godly woman if I don’t find her attractive, right?” He then added that she has to be at least five years younger than him because “girls my age are just too complicated.”

According to Scott, he has also “enhanced” his profile on the dating sites ‘Christian Swingers’ and ‘Bread Meets Wine’. But, Scott laments, “those women aren’t ready for a real commitment of cooking and cleaning for a godly man like me”.

inspired by BabylonBee.com

posted to Satire @ 3:24 pm

February 1, 2015

Julia is preparing for a mini marathon and needs the old Bob Revolution jogging stroller…

Julia is preparing for a mini marathon and needs the old Bob Revolution jogging stroller so Benjamin can ride along while she trains during Corbin's LEGO class.

So I dig it out of storage and start to inflate the tires only to find they won't hold air. So I go online, order some new tubes and start replacing the small one. Step one, remove the old tube (check), step two, double check the old tube is bad and not just having issues with the nozzle fitting (it's an awkward angle and size tire).

With the tube off, I am still unable to inflate the tube. I searched for the source of the leak and it was not as near to the valve stem as I thought. It was actually in the pump hose near the valve. The more the tire filled up, the more the air leaked out of the hose rather than the tire.

I switched pumps and was able to successfully inflate all three tires. Mission accomplished. Now to return $23 in tube I don't need. Or save them for when I do.?

#archshrk?

Julia is preparing for a mini marathon and needs the old Bob Revolution jogging stroller so Benjamin can ride along while she trains during Corbin’s LEGO class.

So I dig it out of storage and start to inflate the tires only to find they won’t hold air. So I go online, order some new tubes and start replacing the small one. Step one, remove the old tube (check), step two, double check the old tube is bad and not just having issues with the nozzle fitting (it’s an awkward angle and size tire).

With the tube off, I am still unable to inflate the tube. I searched for the source of the leak and it was not as near to the valve stem as I thought. It was actually in the pump hose near the valve. The more the tire filled up, the more the air leaked out of the hose rather than the tire.

I switched pumps and was able to successfully inflate all three tires. Mission accomplished. Now to return $23 in tube I don’t need. Or save them for when I do.?

#archshrk

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posted to Nomanisan @ 11:08 pm

January 6, 2015

Part of me wants to watch it so I can say with conviction how bad it really is

Then the other part says I don't need to experience a heart attack to know I should avoid them.?

#archshrk?

Part of me wants to watch it so I can say with conviction how bad it really is. Then the other part says I don’t need to experience a heart attack to know I should avoid them.?

#archshrk

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posted to Nomanisan @ 7:22 am

December 7, 2014

Yesterday our small church had organized a "parents night out"

Basically, the idea was for parents to drop their kids off at one house that was going to watch them, feed them, and do games and crafts while the parents went out on their own for three hours. The second part was that a nearby house (10 min away) was hosting diner for any parents who just wanted to hang out and have adult conversations, play grown up games, and not deal with making other plans. We were that second house.

Now this all sounds good and well and it worked out pretty much as planned. There were plenty of volunteers to watch the kids, +Julia Shiras? had made a wonderful dinner, everyone was on time and there was only one kid who had separation issues.

Problem was, it was my kid. Benjamin has always been a cuddled and sometimes played the shy card but he never reacted like this before. He was hi usual clingy self when somewhere new or different (too many people) but would eventuality warm up and get into playing once he saw something he liked.

This time was different. Even though he's been to this house, knew every single person there, and had been aware of the plan for a while, he was just too overwhelmed. He didn't want me to leave him there. Corbin was good. He jumped right into playing and when he saw Benjamin struggle, he tried to be supportive and help ease his worries.

Eventuality, after twenty minutes of talking about this and explaining how quickly I'd be back and how much fun they were going to have, he agreed to be brave and let me go. That is, until I actually tried to go. You see, throughout this whole ordeal, he was unconsolable. Crying at the idea of being left there, holding on and lever letting go. But that last effort to leave he grabbed on to me with such strength that I don't know he had. I could barely pry his fingers off just to talk to him.

In the end I had to acquiesce. Benjamin would simply have to come back home and crash the parents night out. So I told our hosts he was going with me, grabbed his stuff and told Corbin that Benjamin was not staying. That's when Corbin's eyes started to swell up with tears. He could be brave and helpful but the idea of being the only Shiras there was too much for him. He didn't like the idea of being babysat to begin with bit this was too much. So both boys came home, crashed our dinner party and play wrestled mist of the evening.

So today, I'm going to share this song with them. They need to know how we feel about them so that they never have to feel this way again.

#archshrk?

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posted to Nomanisan @ 3:22 pm

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