June 7, 2016

Church Hires Administrator So Pastor Has More People to Micromanage

Gila Bend, AZ – Three-year-old church plant, amAZing Grace Fellowship recently announced that they have hired a church administrator to help Pastor Greg Glengarry micromanage even more members of the church.

Sara Glen-Ross was hired last week and has already been micromanaged while updating the church’s directory, staff website profiles, and the menu for the upcoming retreat. Next week, the team hopes to be micromanaged by Pastor Greg regarding the foyer flower arrangements and the font used on the bulletin as well as what brand of diapers to stock in the nursery’s emergency supply.

“It would not be right for us to neglect the micromanagement of those who wait on tables” explained Pastor Greg. “If not us, then who will send them with highly detailed and specific instructions?”

Regular visitors and brothers Mort and Randy Duke have already seen the difference. “just last month the church service was beginning to run too smoothly” Randy said. “We knew something had to be done now that the deacon team was getting so efficient” added Mort. That’s when the elders made the decision to hire Sara to work 10 hours per week, noting that about 30 hours a week of her time would be needed to keep up with the changing whims of the pastoral staff.

Just last week Sara had to reschedule the small group leaders’ lunch three times to accommodate everyone and the final schedule ended up having the least attendance possible, just the way the Pastor wanted it. “Everyone was so flexible but I knew Pastor Greg wouldn’t give up. He’d find a way to make it difficult to attend – and he didn’t let me down.” Said a tired and haggard Sara. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to change the clocks ahead 1 minute throughout the building.”

posted to Satire @ 8:02 am

May 16, 2016

Pastor extends right hand of fellowship, followed by a left hook.


San Luis Obispo – mild-mannered pastor and UFC fan, Jack Travis, sent mixed signals to his congregation last week when during the meet-n-greet portion of the service, Pastor Travis extended the right hand of fellowship quickly followed by a devastating left hook.

Martha Stalwart who witnessed the event was shocked by the exchange with first time visitor Duane Michals. “I’ve never seen anything like it” Martha explained. “He’s a very stable pastor, reliable and predictable, but this? This came out of left field”

Assistant pastor Jon Stamoz describes the scene as “completely unexpected, Pastor Jack usually follows the right hand of fellowship with an uppercut” others described it as his signature move.

“I guess I thought watching past sermons online would prepare me to take on the Acts 29 pastor” said Mr. Travis between ice packs. “Especially following a sermon on Matthew 5:39”

posted to Satire @ 2:24 pm

Pastor rebuffs prayer warrior, claims he’s just tired

Adelanto, CA – Last Sunday Jose Manos was shocked when his offer to pray for his pastor was met with resistance. Claiming he was just tired, Pastor Wade thanked Jose and encouraged him to pray for those with real spiritual needs.

Pastor Wade McDonald, father of two young boys and ameture disk golfer was grateful for the concern but explained that spending 15 minutes looking for spiderman shoes that your 3 year old insists on wearing that day would make anyone look weary and defeated.

But Jose, a self proclaimed “Pray Warrior”, wasn’t buying it. “I’ve seen that look before, that’s the look of a man who’s losing hope and on the verge of questioning his faith” He then pointed out several people in line at the Chipotle where they had gathered to meet for lunch had similar far-off looks of doubt and indecision. “This whole community needs my help and if they won’t let me pray with them then I’ll pray for them. Jose then proceeded to set up an “Unspoken Prayer Request” update to the church’s unofficial Prayer Warriors Facebook Group and tagged everyone in the prayer chain. His third such request this week.

“Honestly I love Jose’s zeal for prayer but sometimes it can be a bit much. Just last week he sent an all points prayer request when he found out our music leader had to return some shoes that were the wrong size. I’m mean seriously, she had a receipt and a good return policy to back her up. She’d even reviewed those shoes at Shoe Hero. I don’t think she needed spiritual support for it.” Pastor Wade explained.

When asked to respond to Pastor Wade’s comments, Jose was unreachable as he was praying for the customer in front of him who was having a hard time deciding which salsa to add to their Fajita Burrito.

Pastor Wade sent a followup email to let us know the music leader return was successful and she was able to get the shoes she wanted. Jose updated his Facebook post with “Your welcome” [sic]

posted to Satire @ 2:16 pm

May 12, 2016

Trump taps Doeg the Edomite as running mate

Knoxville, TN – In what is being described as an obvious move by the presumptuous GOP nominee, Donald Trump has announced Doeg the Emorite will be his running mate. “When I asked who will stop my enemies and the conspirators who rigged the primary system against me, Doeg was the only one who stepped forward – saying that he would punch them in the face.”

Earlier in the day Trump threatened to sue when he learned that several prominent Republicans would not endorse him in the upcoming election. “Will Cruz give every one of you fields and vineyards, will he make you all commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds, that all of you have conspired against me?”

Doeg the Emorite said “I saw the son of Rafael Cruz coming to Houston, to George W. the son of HW. Bush, and he inquired of the party for him and gave him advice and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.”

Outraged, Trump demanded that the Bush family be arrested and sentenced to death for treason. But Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney would not support Trump and ignored his tirade. Only Doeg agreed and sent his Brown Shirts to Texas and to Florida.

Jeb Bush responded via email “and who among all our party is so conservative as Cruz, who is the party’s step son and captain over the Constitution, and honored among evangelicals?”

Cruz could not be reach in the forest of Hereth and calls to the city of Nob were not returned.

posted to Satire @ 4:02 pm

May 9, 2016

Man Doubles Down On “Missional Clubbing”

missional clubbing

missional clubbing

Livermore, CA – Local church member and drive-through technician Scott Dixon, 32, declared late Friday afternoon that he plans to launch a bold new initiative to “missionally” experience EDM clubbing and dating sites in order to better improve his chances of finding a totally hot Christian woman.

Up ‘till now, Scott had been content to find his helper suitable within the confines of his daily life by searching HR records where he works and attending every high school and college age group event his church held. He even started attending other churches like the Liberal Quakers and Seventh Day Adventist just to make sure his bases were covered. “They say godliness is very sexy, but all the girls I find at my church must not be very godly.” Scott explained.

Describing his exacerbation at the lack of God’s cooperation, he has decided to seek the hidden things of this world starting with local clubs and secret raves where he will practice “Missional Clubbing in case [his] future bride isn’t a believer yet”.

Listing the characteristics he was looking for. “She has to take pride in her temple by adorning herself with elaborate hairstyles and gold or pearls and expensive clothes” Scott said over a Pabst Blue Ribbon. “I mean, I can’t be expected to marry a godly woman if I don’t find her attractive, right?” He then added that she has to be at least five years younger than him because “girls my age are just too complicated.”

According to Scott, he has also “enhanced” his profile on the dating sites ‘Christian Swingers’ and ‘Bread Meets Wine’. But, Scott laments, “those women aren’t ready for a real commitment of cooking and cleaning for a godly man like me”.

inspired by BabylonBee.com

posted to Satire @ 3:24 pm

February 1, 2015

Julia is preparing for a mini-marathon

Julia is preparing for a mini-marathon and needs the old Bob Revolution jogging stroller so Benjamin can ride along while she trains during Corbin’s LEGO class, since there are some great strollers or the best double stroller just for this purpose.

So I dig it out of storage and start to inflate the tires only to find they won’t hold air. So I go online, order some new tubes and start replacing the small one. Step one, remove the old tube (check), step two, double check the old tube is bad and not just having issues with the nozzle fitting (it’s an awkward angle and size tire).

With the tube off, I am still unable to inflate the tube. I searched for the source of the leak and it was not as near to the valve stem as I thought. It was actually in the pump hose near the valve. The more the tire filled up, the more the air leaked out of the hose rather than the tire.

I switched pumps and was able to successfully inflate all three tires. Mission accomplished. Now to return $23 innertube I don’t need. Or save them for when I do.?

posted to Nomanisan @ 11:08 pm

January 6, 2015

Part of me wants to watch it so I can say with conviction how bad it really is

Then the other part says I don't need to experience a heart attack to know I should avoid them.?


Part of me wants to watch it so I can say with conviction how bad it really is. Then the other part says I don’t need to experience a heart attack to know I should avoid them.?


Google+: View post on Google+

posted to Nomanisan @ 7:22 am

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